Silent Hill Humor Drabble Madness
by The Famous Fire Lady M
Summary: Yeah, I don't even know. This is only humor. Newest one- Douglas somehow loses his clothes. He and Heather must find out who took them and where they went before Douglas' evil half-brother finds out and kills them both!
1. Stalkers

**AN: anyway, seeing as I'm a total jerk and putting off my sequel to Breaking the News, that one cakebaby fic, the unbelievably long Silent Hill fic, the Death Note pure crack one, the PJatO Groverbeth one and many others, I'm typing up this.. . XDD Jeez, I'm getting lazy.. I'd like to thank Holmesy for being by my side with all my cracktastic ideas. Aaand, well, enjoy the drabbles.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill, I don't own anything although I do own a picture of Vincent. -shotshotshotstompedtwice- XDD**

**AN: Now, this first one is a random-as-hell Walterxhenry-ish one. Please, if you don't like this pairing, I assure you there will be various others of other random pairings. XD**

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"Oh-hh! My Re-cieverrr!" A blood-soaked Walter Sullivan called out in an eerily childish singsongy voice as he skipped through the fog-ridden street of Silent Hill. God only knew why he was there. Probably because of Henry. The Narrator bets all of her money on that, which isn't much because she's poor. And lame. Anyways, back to the story. Where were we? Ah, yes..

The Conjurer was skipping through the town of Silent Hill. We, by that I mean the readers, have no idea why he's there. Or why he's holding a running chainsaw (Yes, you read that right; _A_. _Running. Chainsaw.) _, skipping merrily like a little girl all the while. As soon as the 21st Sacrament was in his line of vision, he squealed like a Twilight fangirl meeting Rpattz for the first time and ran towards him, swinging the chainsaw madly though he didn't realize it. But then his eyes narrowed as he glanced beside his love, at the tall blonde man with a handgun. His beloved Receiver was talking to somebody else! And not him!

Seething with jealousy, he turned to the other blonde and gestured menacingly toward him with the chainsaw. Still facing the blonde, he hissed through his gritted teeth. "Hen-Hen? Who.. Is _this_?"

Henry rolled his eyes and muttered to the blonde man he was talking to who was surprisingly about his psycho-murderous-stalker's height, "Speak of the devil.." He glanced at the stranger and smiled apologetically. "Anyway, like I said. This is Walter. Walter, this is James."

Walter eyed the blonde suspiciously.

Henry whispered something to James behind his hand. "I told you so. Follows me around everywhere like a lovesick puppy. Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if the former was true."

James raised an eyebrow incredulously, trying really hard not to laugh. "_Hen-Hen_?"

"Oh, c'mon, like your stalker doesn't make up stupid sissy nicknames for you?" Henry replied defensively, completely ignoring the smiley-faced serial killer with the chainsaw in front of him, tugging on his sleeve and attempting to get his attention like a small child would to his mother.

"Actually, uh, no. He usually just threatens to kill me with a gigantic knife and tries to rape anything with a pulse, and even sometimes things without a pulse too." James replied awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck with an uncomfortable half-smile on his face.

"Oh.. Eeurgh. So far _Walter _over here," he pointed to the 11th Sacrament now hugging his waist tightly, nuzzling his blood-spattered face to the Receiver's abdomen, ruining his nice white shirt. "Hasn't attempted to rape me. Well, not _yet _anyway_." _He frowned as Walter squeezed him tighter, mumbling "Mommy."

"Uhhh.. Yeah. I'm just gonna go… over here." James pointed to a random direction, looking somewhat confused and slightly scared for his life as he walked away quickly, not making eye contact with either of them.

The Conjurer looked up at his beloved. "Can we go home now? I wanna show you something back at my Mom's."

'Uh. Okay?" Henry agreed hesitantly as Walter dragged him away, not liking where this was most likely headed.

Just then a somewhat tall dark-haired guy wearing mom-jeans ran up to them. "Have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair.. Just turned seven a month ago..?"

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**AN: gehehehe. Anyway, the twist ending was just what this first one needed. Lol, review please and if you want suggest a pairing you would love for me to do, as long as it's not angsty. This will never turn into an angst fic, okay? XD **

**TFFLM Out.**


	2. Monsters

**AN: Next drabble. OHAI, it's a HeatherxVincent one. Yay! XD I told my beloved followers that this is what I was going to write next. XD Anyway, this one is ever so slight AU; and well, sorry to disappoint my fellow Harry fans, but there won't be a small cameo by the sexysexysexy novelist. XD Also, prepare for the fluff. XD Much like the cotton candy I am eating at this moment, that fuels my insanity. XD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own SH. I don't own any of this. I don't own the kids. I OWN NOTHING BUT THIS CAN OF COKE AND THIS COMPUTER. XDD**

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"I.. I can't stand it." The former Father Vincent ran a hand, almost nervously, through his messy hair. "These kids! They're so.. So.." He hissed through gritted teeth, sounding almost afraid. "So _evil_."

"They're _your_ kids too, Vincent." Heather replied, somewhat amused, leaning against him, an elbow resting against his shoulder, watching the twin boys sleep soundly as she muttered affectionately, nodding towards her sons. "They get it from their dad."

"I know they're my kids but.. They're like.." he started before fully realizing what she said. "Hey! I resent that remark." He exclaimed, in a rather loud stage whisper, pouting like the arrogant bratty little man-child he was. "Take it back." He demanded, sulkily.

"Shhh, they're sleeping. 'Kay, fine. Just, be quiet." She kissed the corner of his mouth. She always kind of liked it when he acted like a kid, even though it grated on her nerves most of the time.

Actually, as she came to think of it, he was always an arrogant annoying jerk. So not most of the time. _All _of the time. But she loved everything about him. Even if he was an asshole.

"Now what were you gonna say, you big baby?"

"I _was_ saying, before you so rudely interrupted me, that they're nothing like what I was when I was little. I know for a fact that I was a well-behaved child. But you, on the other hand, well.. Let's not go into that now." he replied, leaning closer, a grin on his face as their foreheads touched, his green eyes looking into her hazel-ish ones.

"Hey!" She pulled back, biting back a laugh as she swatted him on the chest, acting offended. "I was a good kid too, even if my birth was a bit.. Unorthodox." She smiled faintly. "Now shh." She whispered, pressing a hand to his mouth. "They're sleeping."

He forcibly removed her hand, and squeezed it, his fingers entwined with hers as he put his other hand on his hip. "Pfft, that's the _only_ time these little monsters are quiet."

She turned to him and asked, only half-joking, not allowing herself to smile, though her lips twitched with the effort.

"Monsters? Our _children_ look like _monsters_ to you?"

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**AN: Aaaand, end with a funny line. XD Anyway, this one was more fluff than humor/parody. XD But I promise, next one will be a funny as hell one. XD I hope. XD**

**Anyvay, joo gaiz. Arrive-see-you. -salutes- Also that review-with-ideas offer still stands, so review! XD **

**Cheers**

**TFFLM**


	3. New Moon!

**AN: well, here's what has to be THE CRACKIEST SH STORY I WILL EVER WRITE. XD I.. I hope you like it. And well.. If you don't, I'll sic Valtiel on you. XD No wait, I'll sic Deadward on you with his **_**sparkles of a killer**_**. XD**

**Disclaimer: I sure as hell don't own SH. I wouldn't want to own Rpattz anyway.. XDD**

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Dear Diary:

OMGOMGOMG! This has to be the absolute bestest day of my LIFE! I mean, un-life! Like yeah..

You would never believe what Vally got for me! Go on, Diary, guess. Oh, all right. Fine. I'll just tell you. Three tickets to see New Moon tonight! I mean, really! *squee*

I was gonna ask James if he wanted to go, cause, y'know, he's my bestest buddy in the world and I love him so much. But he's no Edward Cullen. He doesn't shimmer beautifully in the sunlight. He's just pale. And kinda fat.

Sorry, Jamesy, but I'm gonna go with Vally and Alessa . Cause Vally knows how to appreciate a true Adonis like Edward. And Alessa is on Team Edward with me!

Vally likes Edward too, but he says he's on Team Jacob. Puh-shaw! Like that fleabag can ever get with Bella. I mean, maybe if she was drunk. Or crazy.

Alessa agrees with me. She even got me a Team Edward t-shirt from Hot Topic for my birthday! I mean, I've never heard of the store, and I was kinda afraid to go there in the mall, because of all the scary emo kids..

But anyway, Diary, I am so gonna wear my Team Edward shirt when I go with those guys.

About the shirt, I mean, how cool is that? It's even my size and everything. Alessa's such a cool friend. She invites me to all of her sleepovers as long as I don't rape and/or massacre all of her friends. Like the nurses.

Edward is such a babe-alicious guy! I mean, he sparkles and he has abs. I have abs too but they don't sparkle. And they're usually splattered with blood. And I have a poster of Robert Pattinson, the guy who plays Edward, on my rape-dungeon-- I mean, bedroom wall! How cool is that!?

I kiss the poster at night right before I go to sleep every night. I mean, it's kinda hard to do cause of my helmet and all but I loveslovesloves Edward!

If I ever met Robert Pattinson, I think I would ask him out on a date. And then I would knock him out with my biggass knife, and proceed to drag him to my dungeon to rape him repeatedly. He would probably end up dead, but dangit, at least I got to meet him.

I don't get why Twilight has so many haters. It's the best book I've ever read! Even though it's the only book I ever read. You understand, don't you, diary?

Well, ta-ta for now, Diary! We're gonna go see New Moon in our Team Edward T-shirts!

Hugs and kisses,

P-head

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**AN: Eeurgh. I think I need to go take a shower to get the taint of Twitlight out of my brain. Does anybody have any brain bleach? OhMyXuchilbara, this is worse than that one time we were watching Jennifer's Body. XDD Anyway, guys, review, suggest a pairing or something, and then we'll get to writing it! XD**

**Arrive-see-you**

**Cheers,**

**TFFLM**


	4. Crazy

**AN Well, my inner Harry fangirl won out. I present to you guys, Drunk!Harry. XD Or actually.. I'm not even sure what he's on.. Though I have a suspicion it's White Claudia. Also, not to go on a tangent or anything, but has anyone else noticed that White Claudia is a hallucinogenic drug used in a cult, and there's Claudia, who is extremely white-pale, is a member of a cult, and there's several theories as to SH3 and the state of the worlds being Claudia's doing. Hmm.. Coincidence? I think.. Yeah it probably is.. XD**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SH. I do not own any of these characters. I do not own the song Harry sings. I OWN NOTHING. Though I do own a Dahlia-esque tie. C:**

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Okay, wait a second. People usually came to Silent Hill for one thing; White Claudia. Harry went to Silent Hill. Therefore he must be a White Claudia addict. It _would_ make so much sense. He was always muttering n about crazy stuff. Like cults. You'd think he was turning into the town nutjob, Dahlia Gillespie, and would soon start wandering around town barefoot with still impeccable fashion sense. (That awesome tie of Dahlia's, for instance. Totally badass in Cybil's opinion.) Soon enough, he was gonna lose his mind, Cybil was sure of it.

Oh god, too late! Harry was wandering the streets of Silent Hill. And she was called in to deal with him.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit_!" Cybil thought, facepalm-ing with a loud smack as Harry walked up to her. He had a dreamy look on his face and his shoes were gone. Gone. Godammit, he was acting just like Dahlia, that crazy bitch.

"H-Harry?" the lady-cop asked, peeking between her fingers at him.

He blinked up at her as if just noticing her standing there even though she was _right in front of him._

"Ohhh, heeey, cy…cynd…-cree…cryyn…-Cybil. Siiiii-buuulll. SI….Buullll…"

Something about his voice made it seem like it was a recording that had been slowed down. (And he kept saying her name, though he got it wrong most if the time he was under the influence of.. Whatever the hell it was that made him act so loopy. )

He reached out and patted her on the face, or at least tried to. His hands ended up smack-dab at her chest, either hand on one of her breasts. "Oh, heh, heh… Cyn-cya-cyr-Uhh, _you_." He smiled widely, looking slowly, as if underwater, from her chest where his hands were, to her face, which was pissed-looking. "You really _are _a _girl_.." She wanted to smack him upside the head, maybe break his nose, maybe even use a tazer on him. Lie and say he was under the influence of White Claudia, which he may just have been and lock him up for assault. That would clean him up and serve him his just desserts for groping her.

But she didn't. She didn't let her anger at him take control over her emotions. She just grabbed his wrists forcibly and shoved him away from her. He toppled down almost drunkenly and landed right on his ass, spread eagled on the ground.

She handcuffed him, made him stand up and forced herself to drive him home in his stupid jeep.

He was seated in the passenger's side, singing along to the radio. "I'll keep you, mah dirty little secret. Dirty little secret."

Hell, and he wasn't even singing the right words. Just the same sentence over and over again. And then he would replay the song, on which she assumed was a cd. And he wouldn't change the song or anything. He would growl somewhat menacingly at her if she tried to touch the knob. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. She shut the radio off. He pouted.

"Jesus, Harry. I swear, you're like a child sometimes." She voiced her concerns, shaking her head as she pulled into the apartment parking lot. "What is Heather gonna think, what is she gonna say when I tell her her dad was out.. Drunk or something!"

He wasn't listening. He was too busy muttering under his breath the words: "Have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair…? Just turned seven a month ago? I'm Harry, Harry mason, and I came here for a vacation. I'm Harry, Harry mason, and I came here for a vacation. I'm Harry, Harry mason, and I came here for a vacation. I'm Harry, Harry mason, and I came here for a vacation. My daughter, my daughter, my dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-daughter! My daughter, my daughter, my dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-daughter! My daughter, my daughter, my dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-daughter! My daughter, my daughter, my dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-daughter! My daughter, my daughter, my dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-dau-daughter!"

Cybil just rolled her eyes as she pulled him out of the vehicle and dragged him into the apartment building. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Harry."

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**AN: Well, another one. This time it's cybilHarry fluff. XD ****Also, I made a reference to MC Harry. Mmm-hmm. XD I suggest you guys check it out. It's epic win. XD ****Review, suggest, express fangirl joy, do what you want!**

**Cheers **

**TFFLM**


	5. Special Favours

**AN: Oh god, you guys are gonna hate me for this next one. Even though it's not HeatherxHarry, which does exist, much to the chagrin of Harry Mason fangirls. And Heather fanboys. XD I present to you guys, Kaufmann/Harry. I kinda think it's hot.. CX**

**Another thing-I love my fans! I love you guys! -waving; blowing kisses- **

**Disclaimer: I don't own SH. I don't own Harry, although I wish. And why the hell do I have a freaking song from the animated movie Anastasia in my head even though I'm listening to the Silent Hill soundtrack…? XD**

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"No need to thank me for saving your life." Harry replied somewhat indignantly to the arrogant prick of a Doctor standing in front of him, brushing the miniscule amounts of guts and dirt on his person. Kaufmann thoughtlessly demanded why the hell he was there and what he was doing, not even mentioning the heroics and excellent firing that had occurred just seconds before. "Wh-what the hell are you doing here?!"

"I'm _looking_ for my daughter. I've already told you." he insisted as the totally badass-yet-a-total-douche Doctor looked around cautiously, seeming really nervous about something.

Harry turned to go. "I need to go find Cheryl."

He was inches from the door when he heard Kaufmann speak without a bitchy attitude. "Thanks."

Harry swiveled at the sound. "What was that?"

"I said thanks.. For saving my life.." He sounded suddenly tired, weary even, looking down at his feet.

"Oh.. No.. No problem." Harry replied, obviously uncomfortable in this situation, with the sudden awkward silence. His words hung heavy in the air.

"Is there any way I can repay you?" Kaufmann slowly asked, as he stuck his hands in his pockets, sauntering towards the novelist. "Anything.. At all?"

"N-no." Harry stuttered out; was he going to offer him drugs? That was something Cybil was always warning him about, the reason she was suspicious in the first place. Or was it something else? He couldn't read the look Kaufmann was giving him but it made him slightly.. He couldn't name the feeling either, but it was _familiar_..

Harry swallowed hard, the sound audible in the near deafening silence as the doctor trailed a hand across his lower back, near his backside, coming up behind him around the billiards table. "I-I'm okay.. You don't.. you don't need to… to repay me.."

"Oh, c'mon, you just saved my life. I'm gonna have to repay you _somehow_. Think of it as a 'special favor'. Or are you _shy_..?" He leaned in, his eyes only half-open, though Harry could tell they were bloodshot. The doctor was under the influence of _something, _that was certain.

Kaufmann curled his mouth into a somewhat seductive smirk; just the sight of it sent shivers down Harry's spine. Oddly _pleasant_ shivers.

Harry didn't know how to react. Was the trigger-happy, probably-stoned doctor coming onto him?

"Are-are you.. _hitting on me.._?" He asked, kind of afraid of the answer, though a small voice in the back of his head, one he never really listened to, was screaming something incoherent about his wife and the town and Cheryl and how those things didn't really matter cause he was gonna find Cheryl no matter what and he'd be happy cause he had somebody, cause the doctor was hitting on him and that must mean _something_.

Kaufmann's thin lips curled into a smile as he stepped closer to the novelist, almost touching him, a hand coming up to cup Harry's cheek. "Yes, Harry. I am."

He didn't know why, but this entire scene, instead of making him feel really awkward and want to leave, was giving him goosebumps across his skin, making his hair stand straight up on end, the sudden contact feeling oddly nice, Kaufmann's feverish hand on his chilled skin.

"K-Kaufmann." It wasn't the start of a sentence, just Harry muttering the doctor's name, almost in disbelief.

"Yes?" The intoxicated doctor responded., stepping forward, letting his lips almost meet Harry's, as he put a leg between both of the novelist's, knocking him off balance against the pool table.

Harry sat down-or rather, was knocked down-onto the pool table. He wasn't too sure of what was going on, just that Kaufmann was really really close to him right now, and the doctor's fevered skin was almost emanating waves of.. _something._ Something that was affecting him, making Harry's mind go all fuzzy, giving him chills and the insane urge to.. To--

He blushed at the thought.

Kaufmann could see his reaction as he leaned in -closer, this time- and kissed him softly on the lips. The novelist's lips were ever-so-slightly chapped and his breath had the faintest hint of cigarette smoke.

He pulled away.

Harry's eyes were half-closed, his lips barely parted as he murmured. "What… was.. _That?" _

It was as if Harry had all of a sudden become someone else, as if that one chaste kiss had unlocked a deeper part of him that he had never felt before.

He grabbed the lapels of the doctor and mashed his lips against his, allowing the kiss to deepen. Kaufmann could only just kiss back, his arms on either side of Harry. He leaned forward, forcing Harry to almost fall back onto his, well, back, his legs spreading out and bending at the knees, resting on the billiards table.

The doctor pulled back for just a moment and laughed softly. "Seems like you're not as shy as I thought."

Harry laughed breathlessly as well. "Heh, yeah. Not shy at all…"

There was a short pause in the conversation as the two kissed again, Kaufmann dominating as he was nearly pinning him on the pool table.

Harry cracked a wide -if not roguish- grin and wrapped his legs around Kaufmann's waist.

"Now.. How about that 'special favor'?"

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**AN: Wow, this turned out sexier and less funny.. XD Also, I feel like Harry has suddenly turned into an undersexed Henry-wannabe in this. I think I got them in-character.. Lol that song is still in my head. -singing- "In the dark of the night, terror will find her!" GAAHHH. -shoots self-**

**Lol, anyway, review, guys, say if you loved it or not.. **

**Cheers**

**TFFLM**


	6. Reciever

**AN: This one, um, it was, I guess, inspired by a roleplay. Yep. On neopets. Cause that's just how lame I am. XD And well, it was random and I met my soul mate in said roleplay. XDD Not really though. We're just best buds. Except in this one, I decided to put in my Holmesy instead of the person I met online, cause y'know. I know Holmesy really really well.. XDD**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Silent Hill, I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, I do not own Pierce Brosnan, King of The Hobos, I do not own Neopets. I own nothing except myself, cause I'm in this one. XD**

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It was a foggy day in Silent Hill. Just as it pretty much always was. Our beloved protagonist Henry "blank-face" Townsend was searching for something. Someone in particular.

"Eileen…?" Henry aimlessly called out, his voice and face almost completely devoid of all emotion except confusion. He saw a figure amidst the fog. "Eileen..?"

"No, silly Receiver! It's me, Walter!" The Conjurer waved at his pretty much only friend and, running up to him, hugged him tightly.

"Eileen…?" Henry asked, still kind of blankly staring of into space, cause, y'know, that's just what he does.

"I'm _Walter_." The 11th sacrament insisted. "Say it with me. Wal-terr."

"Wal--" That's all he got out, before he just stopped mid-word and blinked up at Walter. "Eileen?"

"Noo, I'm Wal-ter." The Conjurer said, squeezing Henry tightly in a bear hug. "Walter. Say it, Henry!"

"Wal….terr?" The Receiver of Wisdom choked out, before turning slightly blue and passing out in Walter's arms.

"Yay!" Walter shook Henry, who was still in his arms, unable to breathe.

Just then, out of nowhere appeared two teenaged girls.

"What the hell, guys?" The taller one, wearing a shirt with a chibi'd centaur on it and the words "Team Pierce Brosnan: King of The Hobos" on it, asked, with a 'wtf' look on her face. "Henry's a _ghost_; he can't pass out."

The other, shorter one, was wearing an "I Heart P-Head' t-shirt, and she looked slightly weirded out by all this. She, meaning the shorter one, blinked and said. "Hey, Wally, if you let Henry go, I'll give you this shiny coin!"

The 11th sacrament glanced from his beloved Receiver to what appeared to be a nickel in the girl's hand. "Guh.. But he's my _Recieverrrrr.." _And then, as if realizing that he was probably killing Henry all over again, suffocating him in that bear hug, he loosened his hold on the hobo-ish photographer.

Henry gasped for breath, and a little bit of color went back into his face. "Eileen…?"

The taller girl grinned. "He's alive! No, wait. No! The protagonist isn't supposed to fall into any of Walter's traps!" She began to press 'x' repeatedly on a nonexistent game controller.

The shorter one put away her nickel and got out a rather large jar of dirt. "Walter, I'll trade you a jar of dirt for Henry!"

Walter made a face and whined. "He's my Recieveeerrr.."

The taller girl muttered something under her breath to the shorter girl. "Yeah, he's receiving _something_ but it sure ain't wisdom." The girls cackled like morons.

Henry looked at the mystical Jar O' Dirt. "Is Eileen in there?"

The shorter girl pointed to the sky triumphantly. "We've made progress, he's actually speaking full sentences!"

The taller one spoke, sarcastically, I might add. "_Yeaah_, Henry. Eileen lives in a jar of dirt. She, as well as you and Wally, are ghosts. And she lives in this jar. Which is filled with dirt."

"Oh." Henry muttered. "I'm.. a.. ghost?"

The girls sighed exasperatedly in unison. "_Yes_."

There was one long awkward silence right before, out of nowhere, a somewhat translucent grime-covered Eileen appeared to be phasing through the side of the jar from inside and yeleld at the top of her lungs.

"HAY YOO GAIZ! Guess what! I like pudding!"

The two teenaged girls just facepalm'd simultaneously.

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**AN: Well, that was somewhat cracktastic. XD and yes, this was based on a roleplay. Most of these in the conversations really did happen. XD And well, this one didn't really have a pairing. XD Who cares? ****Also both me and one of my bestest friends were in this one. ^^ XDD**

**Well.. ****Review, express fangirly joy, flame it, whatevers. XD**

**Cheers**

**TFFLM**


	7. Douglas Cartland & the Tie Of Destiny p1

**Disclaimer: Okay, I don't own Silent Hill. Konami does. If I were to own Silent Hill, I'd give a definite answer for which endings were canon or not. XD**

**AN: Well, I was bored in my EMS class and I was in a giddy mood today, hence my bizarre and sudden penchant for doing the Nathan-Plane from Repo! The Genetic Opera and singing Thankless Job, also from Repo! Aaaand apparently Douglas is more of a moron that we originally thought. XD Also, AU- HARRY LIVES! XD**

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"Um. Douglas?" Heather started, cocking an eyebrow at the sight of her detective friend.

He looked at her. She looked at him. He looked at her, blankly. She looked at him, a vein bulging, clearly visible in her forehead. This staring contest went on for pretty much a few minutes, Douglas blinking blankly as Heather.

Finally, Douglas answered. "Um." There was a ridiculously long pause, Douglas' jaw slackened, his mouth open stupidly. "…yeah.. Cheryl?"

Heather made a face. "Why in the name of all that is holy are you not wearing pants?"

Douglas ever-so-slowly looked down. There he was, just in boxers, his pants totally gone. His boxers had little Robbie The Rabbits' on them. (He didn't even particularly _like_ Robbie the Rabbit. He actually had a pathological fear of rabbits. Especially after… he suppressed a shudder. _The Petting Zoo Incident._)

He was also wearing a tie. No shirt though. The tie looked unusually similar to one belonging to a certain Mister Braintree from a certain other game in the series.

"Um. I dunno."

Heather facepalm'd with a loud smack, peeking out from between her cracked fingers at the detective. "And yet you couldn't get rid of you stupid creeper trench coat and that goddamned hat! You look like a flasher!" She was getting more and more frustrated at him by the minute.

"Uh.. Yeah." He looked down at his coat and touched the top of his head, having probably forgotten he was even wearing a hat.

"We should go find my pants!" He pointed to the sky in a dramatic fashion.

"You mean to tell me you don't have _any_ pairs of pants? At all!?"

He thought for a while, the gears in his head turning, a grimace on his face as if he was trying to solve an increasingly difficult math problem. At least four minutes passed, Heather was steaming mad, still waiting for an answer, before Douglas replied:

"Nope."

Heather exploded, shouting, screaming various obscenities, half of which weren't even in English. Most of them sounded like something a sailor or pirate would say, and a lot of them Douglas had no idea of the meanings of.

Finally she was left red-faced, panting, hands balled into fists at her sides and totally quiet.

Douglas tentatively asked. "Do you, uh, think we should go find my clothes?"

Heather gave up trying to figure out where the hell his clothes went. "How about we get you something to wear first. I'm sure some of my dad's clothes will fit you." She replied through gritted teeth, grabbing Douglas by the arm and dragging him to the car.

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Almost a half-hour later, which was really a little too long to have taken, they were at Harry's apartment.

"Dad? Are you here?" Heather called out, having calmed down sufficiently during the obscenely long car ride over.

There was no answer.

"Huh. He probably went to the supermarket. I think there's a cashier he likes there. Jamie or something." She put her hands on her hips and nodded towards the doorway of her father's bedroom. "My dad's stuff's in there. Go look around."

Douglas just stood there like a big, dumb.. Dumb thing.

"Oh, c'mon! You can't possibly expect me to help you with the clothes, do you?" Heather sighed, fighting the urge to facepalm.

Douglas nodded slowly, again like a big dumb rock or a small child.

"Ugh, fine." She grabbed him by the arm and drug him into her dad's room. She pushed him to a sitting position on the bed. "You… Just.. Just.. Just stay here. Stay right here, I'll get the clothes." And she added under her breath. "I don't want you touching any of my dad's stuff.." She put her hands out and disappeared into Harry's closet.

"Stay out of Narnia, okay?" He called out to her. Heather facepalmed within the darkened closet The smack was loud enough to be heard halfway across Silent Hill.

All the way in Ashfield Apartments, one Henry Townsend looked around blankly for a moment. "What the hell was that?"

After a few moments of hurried-sounding rustling, Heather emerged with armfuls of clothes. She didn't need to, though. It seemed Douglas had found a pair of jeans and a grey t-shirt that were folded neatly beside the bed.

He beamed at her.

She fought the urge to drop the clothes and throw up her hands in exasperation. "Um. Okay, you got clothes. Guess I didn't need to grab this ginormous _mound_ of crap then!"

Then she did a double-take, studying his attire. "Those.. Aren't my dad's clothes.." Her voice betrayed her confusion and slight alarm. "But.. They fit you.. Surprisingly good.."

"And I found some underwear over in the pile too but I don't need it.." He said, quietly. But Heather wasn't listening.

"Where the hell did your tie go?" Her head was cocked to the side. "Weren't you wearing it just a second ago?"

"I.." He started, looking around frantically. He continued, his voice cracking with emotion. "..Don't know! Tie-y! Noooo!" He howled, crumpling to the ground, sucking his thumb. "I need to get that tie back! It belongs to my brother!"

"You.. You have a brother?" Heather asked, barely believing a word she was hearing. This seemed all too _weird_ for her, and this was coming from a girl who had seem pretty much everything in that God-forsaken town. "I thought you said your family died..?"

"Oh. Um. He's my half-brother. And.. I just forgot.." He added, stupidly, as if an afterthought.

Heather fought the urge to facepalm once more.

* * *

Just then, the front door clicked.

"Heather, you here?" That was Harry's voice.

Heather grabbed Douglas' arm and wrenched him out of Harry's bedroom. "H-hey Dad!" She waved awkwardly, as Douglas did so also.

Harry was accompanied by a taller blonde man in a green bomber jacket.

"Hey, Heath. I see you've brought a friend over." He leaned in and whispered conspiratorially. "I know you're into older guys and stuff but this is a little weird."

Heather spluttered, trying to find words to say, moreso out of being uncomfortable because of what her dad just said. But, yeah, she didn't like Douglas in _that_ way. "No, he- I'm still- Guh. Dad, no!"

Douglas raised an eyebrow in what was probably the clever and/or wittiest thing he could think to do.

The blonde man was silent for most of the time before he noticed one thing.

"Those are _my_ clothes!" He blurted, pointing to Douglas' outfit.

"What the hell were they doing beside my dad's bed..? And the underwear.." She thought about it for a moment and then clutched at her head. "Oh God, Dad! Ew! Bad mental images! Augh!"

Douglas just stood there oblivious. Harry and James, for that was who the blonde man was, just looked at each other and at Heather, both of them blushing somewhat.

"Um. Can we get back to, y'know, finding my clothes now?" Douglas very nearly burst into tears. "if I don't give my brother his tie back, he'll kill me!"

**Will our protagonists ever get the tie back? Does Douglas end up dying a horrible horrible death at the hands of The Braintr-- I mean, his _brother_..? What's with Harry and James? Will Heather get brain damage from facepalming so many times? Why the hell am I asking you all these questions?**

**Tune in next time, to find out!**

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**AN: Um. Yeah. I was insanely bored. This equals to about six pages notebook-wise. XD **

**Well.. Um. Douglas is a manchild. And he's obsessed with Narnia. Just to warn you. Also, AU. HARRY LIVES! XD Part two will be added shortly, after a brief commercial break. **

**Read, Review, and get a cookie. A magical cookie.**

**Cheers**

**TFFLM**


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